Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

It's 6:14am.

Just had a dream and can't go back to sleep. In this dream, I was in town from somewhere and borrowed my dad's car to get around. Then I dropped in at a dormitory where my girlfriend was staying.

I usually dream of buildings, interior of the buildings to be exact. They are always labyrinthine, dark nooks and crannies, but always warm and inviting and never scary.

My dad has passed away a while ago and I don't think she ever lived in a dormitory.

It was an English as the Second Language (ESL) school. People I knew from the past were there, all mixed in together. She was exactly the same as I remember- lovely and adorable and sweet. Her gestures, warm smile, girlish demeanor, the same. I don't remember what we talked about.

She was my first love. It amazes me that after 20 years she still haunts me in my dreams. They put me in melancholic euphoria- my heart gets heavy and I can't shake away the feeling nor I want to. It usually lasts for a day.

It was late at night. After she and I parted, I wanted to see her again. There was a door between me and the other side where everyone's living quarters were. It wasn't hard to find her. I knew the way. She was with a young man and he was trying to hug her. She was gently and playfully beating his back with her fists in her usual adorable way. This time though, I didn't feel the fang of jealousy. I was confident enough that she only had her heart for me.

My coffee is ready. I gotta get ready for work.

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